什么樣的Essay可以拿出來跟本土學(xué)生PK？（1）

一篇良好的英語議論文應(yīng)該具備下列基礎(chǔ)特質(zhì)：

• 清晰、可理解和強(qiáng)有力的論點(diǎn)（a clear, understandable and strong thesis statement）
• 提供足夠的證明或證據(jù)來澄清觀點(diǎn)（provide enough proof or evidence to clarify the viewpoints）
• 可讀和可理解的結(jié)構(gòu)（readable and understandable structure），文章中寫的每一句話都與實(shí)際主題有關(guān)，對目標(biāo)受眾有意義；文章遵循清晰的寫作結(jié)構(gòu)，既指段落結(jié)構(gòu)，也指全文結(jié)構(gòu)

在具備這些基礎(chǔ)特質(zhì)后，論述的“有效性”會區(qū)分出議論文的不同層次，優(yōu)秀的議論文，具備下列特質(zhì)：

• 論述過程更具說服力，例如，運(yùn)用數(shù)據(jù)、有力的名人事例或名人語錄等
• 從情感上“征服”讀者（tone），引起讀者情感共鳴
• 從語言的美感上看，善于運(yùn)用修辭手法或象征性語言增強(qiáng)文章可讀性，愉悅讀者

高階寫作班第一期學(xué)生Max寫的A Good Leader的作文。整篇作文結(jié)合了眾多歷史人物和事件來論述自己的觀點(diǎn)，并在行文之中巧妙地融入了多種修辭手法，讓全篇論述生動而富于說服力。老師說，即便是跟本土的孩子相比，這也是一篇質(zhì)量上乘的essay。Sarah老師就文章的細(xì)節(jié)和通篇也給出了具體的指導(dǎo)和反饋，仔細(xì)研讀后，你一定會收獲良多。

A Good Leader

Courage, knowledge, a cunning mind, insight to see through people, what other elements can we put in the magic potion to turn a nobody into an excellent leader? What exceptional characteristics do good leaders possess? Many people want to become the alchemist to find the hidden secret. Some argue good leaders should be kind to his followers, others claim that good leaders must own the ability to see the gold hidden under rock. But, in my opinion, an outstanding leader can see the advantages of others, respectful to his underlings, be able to listen to other people’s thoughts, and be decisive.

點(diǎn)評：文章開篇采取“introduction+thesis”的結(jié)構(gòu)提出個人觀點(diǎn)。Introduction，運(yùn)用了排比、象征、暗喻等修辭手法闡述good leader的各種特質(zhì)。Thesis，用“But”轉(zhuǎn)折，直接提出個人核心觀點(diǎn)，開宗明義。

First of all, a good leader must have eyes sharp enough to see the sparkling points in other people. A good captain must know how to assign the posts. He or she must know who to trust, who to sail the boat, and who to watch the wind. Thus, all the sailors can do the job as best as they can. The boat can travel through the wave safe and sound. An emperor in the age of Three Kindoms, Cao Cao, had the ability to put every troop in their rightful places, his country Wei, survived longer than other two Kingdoms. 

點(diǎn)評：

分論點(diǎn)一：慧眼識人的能力（采取暗喻的修辭手法）。提出論點(diǎn)后，通過“船長”和“曹操”兩個例證來說明自己的觀點(diǎn)，支撐有力。

改進(jìn)建議：

1. The boat can travel through...這句需要用連接詞/短語與前面的內(nèi)容來銜接，說明全體海員各司其職、各就其位的結(jié)果。 連接詞/短語用表示“結(jié)果”的，如as a result，consequentenly等。

2. An emperor in the age of Three Kingdoms......這里需要與前面的例證之間做一個銜接，提示讀者這是另一個例證， 建議加入連接詞 similarly 或likewise。

3. 結(jié)尾需要補(bǔ)充整段的總結(jié)句，使該段的論述結(jié)構(gòu)更加完整

Secondly, a humble mind of respect is necessary for great leaders. They must have a connection with their people. During the time of Three Kingdoms, the emperor of Shu wanted Zhuge Liang to work for him, he visited Zhuge Liang 3 times to show his respect. Zhuge Liang was moved and joined him, helping him win dozens of victories. Giving respect to underlings make they(them) more addicted and they would provide their strongest support, even sacrifice themselves for the leader.

點(diǎn)評：

分論點(diǎn)二：為人要謙虛，懂得尊重他人。提出論點(diǎn)后，通過三顧茅廬的故事來說明謙虛的劉備請諸葛亮出山成就霸業(yè)，論據(jù)有力。此處，小作者很敏銳地分析了“humanity”的影響力，頗有見地！

改進(jìn)建議：
 1. “諸葛亮”是這段論述的關(guān)鍵人物，需要補(bǔ)充說明他的實(shí)力背景，他到底是誰？？從而說清楚他的相對位置，闡述清楚劉備謙遜的必要性。

2.addicted這個詞的運(yùn)用欠妥

3. 結(jié)尾需要補(bǔ)充整段的總結(jié)句，使該段的論述結(jié)構(gòu)更加完整

Thirdly, a great leader must have listening ears. Even though they‘ve accomplished magnificent deeds, they are still not perfect. During Tang dynasty, the second emperor Li Shimin can be called a wise leader. Whenever he heard something important, he would meet with his subjects and discuss with them, he listened carefully to everyone’s ideas and organized them into a perfect answer, which would be definitely better than one man’s thinking. 

點(diǎn)評：

論點(diǎn)三：善于傾聽。提出論點(diǎn)后，通過唐太宗李世民善于傾聽的歷史故事來論證，論據(jù)充分。
改進(jìn)建議：

1. 結(jié)尾需要補(bǔ)充整段的總結(jié)句，使該段的論述結(jié)構(gòu)更加完整

Lastly, a decisive heart must be useful. During the ancient times, people always have war with each other, leaders of different countries need to decide what to do, it may lead him to heaven or hell, and only he can make the decision.  Hesitation may lead him straight to hell.  Even in modern times, being decisive means being able to catch  opportunities that might slip away in the blink of an eye.  

點(diǎn)評：

分論點(diǎn)四：果敢、有決斷力。提出論點(diǎn)后，闡述古往今來猶豫遲疑的代價。

改進(jìn)建議：

1. 結(jié)尾需要補(bǔ)充整段的總結(jié)句，使該段的論述結(jié)構(gòu)更加完整

A good leader has to be a master of dealing with his or her staff, knowing their advantages, respect them, listen to them wisely, but he or she must bang the hammer and take the responsibility. 

點(diǎn)評：最后 總結(jié)，闡述good leader的特質(zhì)。 

Dr. Sarah對作文的整體評價

“Your use of distinctive vocabulary makes your argument vividly compelling. You need to add concluding sentences to your body paragraphs.

"你對獨(dú)特詞匯的使用使你的論點(diǎn)生動而有說服力。你需要在你的主體段落中加入總結(jié)性的句子。

Overall, your use of figurative language strengthens your arguments. In fact, this essay is your strongest by far. Your thoughts are generally clearly expressed. Just be careful not to go too far with your metaphors.”

總的來說，你對象征性語言的使用加強(qiáng)了你的論點(diǎn)。事實(shí)上，到目前為止，這篇文章是你最強(qiáng)的一篇文章。你的思想總體上表達(dá)得很清楚。只是要注意不要在暗喻上走得太遠(yuǎn)。"

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背景說明：這篇作文的作者是一位十分優(yōu)秀的魔法石學(xué)生。目前小學(xué)六年級，從小熱愛中英文閱讀，三年級時實(shí)現(xiàn)英文閱讀自主，2019年11月參加FCE考試，取得了177分——Distinction的優(yōu)異成績。 

從2021年1月底，他和另外4位同學(xué)一起參加了魔法石高階寫作第一期課程，這個寫作課于5月16日正式結(jié)課。源自西雅圖的本土高階寫作課程整個過程充滿了驚喜。孩子們之前的大量閱讀積淀在專業(yè)老師的指導(dǎo)下取得了"四兩撥千斤“的效果。Dr. Sarah具有很強(qiáng)的洞察力，對每個孩子的觀察都很細(xì)致，仔細(xì)，給的反饋也非常到位。每次課后和Dr. Sarah一起討論孩子們的當(dāng)堂情況以及后續(xù)安排，也能感受到她對這些孩子也是十分地用心。師者當(dāng)如此，不分國界。