Reflection on parenting

I have a confession to make.  I feel like i can never be a worst parent ever this summer vacation. Especially during the trip to beijing.   
 

Maybe it’s because it’s hard to live with my own parents and that kinda affects my judgement and decision.

Maybe i wanna prove myself to be a bad mum in front of my parents so that they can treasure and love him more even though Lawrence doesn’t take my surname?

Maybe it’s because im too tired to have reflection or personal time every day and that somehow resulted in my grudge?

None of these can be excuses for my unleashing my grumpiness. 

But i really need my good-tempered husband to show me how to calm down. I need to stay away and step back to reflect what a bad example i have shown my kid when anxiety attacks.

Reading can be useful when i need to sort out my bad feelings.

So the opinions above are about the contradiction of the abilities between developmental age and chronological age. What i don’t possess is the ability to calm down or talk peacefully when facing difficulties and anxiety, which is contradicted to my chronological age. Now that i can think calmly, maybe I inherited that from my parents, who always say mean words against each other during arguments. 

Pathetically, im passing that to my son, who is too young to even express himself clearly when he still can compose his thoughts. 

Just thinking about this makes me terrified. I shall not let this happen. However, i did see it happen again and again in my son. When he gets anxious and disproval, he just jumps up and down to show his anger and fury. Instead of talking to him, i yell more loudly to show my authority. Now i need to ask myself, did i like my parents being bossy and appearing to be authority when growing up?

No!!!i hated it most and i always envy friends being treated as equal peers by their parents. 

Im not a big fan of democratic parenthood.But surely I don’t want to a tyrant either. 

Hopefully i can reflect and make a progress every day. No one else can help me.

Step back and wait. Don’t talk until i can calm down.